


bloom again

by echoedsong



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou Friendship, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bittersweet, Emotions, Extended Metaphors, F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Marriage, Memories, One Shot, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Self-Indulgent, Spoilers, Unrequited Love, What Have I Done, is this open ended idek, little to no dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23704411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/echoedsong/pseuds/echoedsong
Summary: he inhales shakily. it smells like sugar sweet memories and bitter, bitter, loneliness.(or in which akaashi watches bokuto get married to someone that isn't him.)
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 50





	1. bloom again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [astraeanyx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/astraeanyx/gifts).



> welcome !  
> while you read, i strongly recommend listening to the song that mostly inspired this, it'll (hopefully) add to the experience - the lyrics are also on the second chapter (chronology i thought would work best) but you can look at them beforehand if you prefer :> anyways get ready for purely indulgent bittersweet angst
> 
> song: Heaven by Gaho
> 
> enjoy <3

akaashi feels like he’s being choked. the white tie is comfortable around his neck, only acting as encouragement to strengthen the familiar tightness in his throat. he feels like he can barely breathe. he’s lightheaded; mind floating in the vast space of people and flashing, coloured, lights. but his limbs are so heavy, he feels rooted in place. his pressed dark blue suit is heavy on his body, his knees are shaking under the weight. he’s fighting the gravity of it, how it pulls him to the ground. there’s so little oxygen in this room. the walls are closing in, the crowd is too close. the pressure around him, inside him, increases.

he fights it, blinking back the spotting in his vision, the blinding lights. he focuses back, on the man of the hour. bokuto, standing in the spotlight, takes what little air is left in akaashi, in the banquet hall. his chest tightens. his hand covers hers, around the knife. they hover, together, over the cake. the knife glints tauntingly in the lights. it moves downward. akaashi’s heart bleeds. clapping and cheering. the pressure around him, in his chest, lessens. the oxygen returns. he inhales, shakily. it smells like sugar sweet memories and bitter, bitter, loneliness. 

he lifts heavy hands, applauds. the steady sound of them meeting, resonates sharp and clear in his ears. it reminds akaashi of the steadfast clap of a palm meeting a volleyball midair. it feels like his eardrums are being shot. he stops. the memory fades. the pain does not. 

he watches as bokuto feeds her the slice of his heart. his eyes fixate on hers. his gaze, it’s so warm. sun rays breaking through the clouds. sun rays meant for her. some must’ve escaped, strayed off course. because akaashi feels them too. but the sunlight on him, it’s too hot. it burns on his face and skin, it’s peeling. like the days spent on a beach, with no sunscreen, only a volleyball and each other. he lets the pouring rain in his mind extinguish the flaming sun. it seeps beneath his skin, bringing a chill to his bones. 

akaashi watches numbly as she feeds him back. it looks like the best thing bokuto’s ever tasted. it seems like he’s ascending to heaven; reaching pure, unaltered happiness and peace. they glow together in the light. out of reach, high above him. angel, in his white suit and tie. blissful love and adoration is written all over his face. this might as well be heaven for bokuto. this moment is one he has been dreaming of for years. akaashi has been there, before the dream had even begun, by his side, for every second of it. just like he was by his side, when the words of promise and forever were spoken into the universe, when their hearts were exchanged in the form of shining, silver bands. akaashi wonders if that spot will exist after today. 

the white icing is smeared on bokuto’s cheek, proof of what had been taken and consumed. akaashi blinks, and it’s red. his heart’s blood clinging to whom it belongs. she kisses it away. there’s nothing left, she makes sure of that. people are whooping and whistling. akaashi feels the weight of eyes landing on his apathetic body. he forces a smile and a strangled laugh. nobody else seems to be aware of what hidden implications lay in their boisterous celebration. 

bokuto is also laughing. akaashi’s voice catches and fades in his throat. it’s his true laugh; loud and clear, joyous and unforced. could that have been him? standing there with him, making him laugh surrounded by the people who matter most and no one at all, because every moment was theirs alone. had there existed a time he could’ve chosen to serve his heart up on a silver platter, instead of having it slowly dissected from his chest over years and years? it had never felt like the perfect timing, back then. there was always something else to worry about; school, volleyball, life. he hadn’t wanted to burden his best friend with what he hid away in his heart. he hadn’t wanted to lose him. but, would it have hurt any less? losing it now, losing it back then? would it have made a difference? should he have taken the chance?

akaashi’s head is throbbing. where was bokuto to refute these superfluous thoughts, these regrets? why did these answers matter so much to him? why must they revisit him now, especially now, of all times? he should be happy for his best friend. he _is_ happy for him. for them. bokuto’s grown, as a person. he’s come a long way from being that extravagant, simple-minded persona from high school. still excessive and wild, at times but now he knows balance. he knows how to show the true depth of himself to others, others who are not so good at reading between the lines. he shows his maturity and passion, the sensitivity and awareness of himself and others. the traits akaashi has always known to be buried beneath the intensity of his energy. 

bokuto’s come so far; in his career, as a person, and now, he’s marrying the love of his life. pride that shouldn’t have a place in akaashi’s chest, swells. it shouldn’t belong to him, this feeling. just like bokuto doesn’t belong to him. he should just savour the taste of the many more years he had with him as a friend. the ones that could’ve been snatched away at the sight of a confession. all the pain and hardships, all the laughter and smiles, akaashi got to experience more of it with him. every inch of bokuto is so familiar, so beautiful and wonderful. this feeling, it blooms tentatively in the space where a heart should belong. 

bokuto kisses her back, full on the mouth. they’re laughing together, foreheads touching. they’re stunning, he’s stunning, and so, so happy. their faces part, to reveal the full extent of the smiles. akaashi takes it all in. the way their hands are intertwined between them, half hidden in the fabric of her white dress. how their bodies are pressed together, side to side. bokuto’s happy. akaashi should be too. he should _let_ himself be. tentatively, he lets the flower blossom warm beneath his ribs, pushing the sadness away to the corners of his being. this is bokuto’s night, he is going be happy for him and he is going to enjoy this celebration fully. he can deal with the encroaching darkness tomorrow, in the days that follow. but not tonight.

his best friend’s head of tamed silver and ebony turns. bokuto’s looking towards the head table, gaze flitting over the bridal party until he catches sight of akaashi’s standing figure. his face brightens, golden eyes like scintillating twin stars. he calls for a toast, gaze sweeping back over the room. the way his voice is distinct and resonant, the way everybody’s eyes fall to him. the way he looks down at his wife, the way she looks back at him. it fits together so seamlessly. 

this time akaashi doesn’t have to force a smile. he allows his lips to quirk faintly, as he watches bokuto. he’s speaking but the words are muffled in akaashi’s ears. the cavity in his chest is burning. he feels… he feels. it rushes at him, a wave, this fondness for his friend, the tender wistfulness clinging, this nostalgia for something, anything. it burns gently inside, soft flames brushing and curling fleetingly like petals. that’s his friend, his best friend, partner in crime. he wants everybody to know this. it's burning hotter inside him. he wants to scream it into the world. _that’s his best friend._

all the long hours on the courts together; shoes squeaking on hardwood floors, sweat dripping, hands stinging. days spent at desks; dreams taking them far away from where they sat, whispering to each other, taking notes on their volleyball formations instead of the formation of english words. graduating an affair of tears and laughter. then adulthood. akaashi and bokuto both had their own separate responsibilities and pathways. but the years were good, full of discovery and hardships and happiness, and each other. 

the heat softens, petals settle. bokuto doesn’t need him by his side any more. he has her to watch over him, to support him, to care for him. and married life- akaashi knows bokuto has always wanted kids. he chuckles lowly. he’s going to be busier now as a husband and when he becomes a father. the chill of yearning and loneliness surges again under his skin, winter breathing once again.

_ah, i’ll miss you… what will i do without you? what will become of me without your presence filling my days? now that you have her and i don’t have you…_

bokuto turns, finding akaashi again at the table. he raises a glass to him, words lingering in the air. he smiles. he’s so bright in the light, with that joyful flush to his cheeks which makes him even more radiant. his eyes are shining, luminous stars in akaashi’s dark sky. that wide, wide smile on his face. it’s the same one akaashi saw so much of during bokuto’s final spring inter-high. the one he gave on and off the court, after comforting akaashi in the roundabout way of his. akaashi could never forget those moments. he could never forget the smile when it was the same he saw for so many more years afterwards. 

it reaches to him like a breath of fresh air, warm but still a touch cool. akaashi basks in it, letting the warmth settle on his skin, inside of him. it pushes the chill away once again, sitting comfortably in his chest. it spreads through his body, tracing veins like branches, blooming like budding leaves. he can breathe. he feels the presence of a genuine smile on his face. akaashi raises his glass of shimmering champagne back, fingertips tingling against the stem. bokuto’s eyes are glimmering; happiness, love, gratitude.

_i'm happy for you, best friend of mine._

he really is. bokuto deserves everything.

akaashi drinks. it slips down his throat like liquid starlight. it bubbles inside, pleasant amidst the warmth seeping through him. the subtle chill matches the hint of ice still lingering from a heavy winter. but it feels like spring has come. bokuto’s still watching him, gaze fixed steadily on his face. his smile is gentle now, a soft breeze, sun behind clouds.

_ah._

akaashi wants to see the sun again, revel in it one last time.

“protagonists of the world,” he mouths. 

bokuto’s smile grows, he laughs. there it is.

akaashi chuckles. he feels his smile fade a little as his mind spins. if they were both protagonists, it appears bokuto’s story is continuing on. while his, on the other hand, is coming to a close. tears swell and burn in his eyes. everything is sparkling in his vision, especially him. it’s all a blur. he can see him, but he can’t. so close, yet so far. the distance is winter baring its teeth. it nips at the flowers, ice trickling under his skin. yet, warmth prevails. it holds, and thawed water drips. he doesn't want their story to end. 

bokuto turns back to his wife, speaking softly. his hand curls gentle around her waist. they’d be coming back to sit next to him soon. for now, akaashi will enjoy what time he has left with him. later he’ll let himself be sad. be sad to be happy, afterall. he’ll learn how to face the darkness of a life without bokuto, a sky without stars, a garden without sun. 

lips part, flower petals opening to the sun. one last time. he whispers

“don’t you dare be sad, bokuto.  
be happy now. 

i love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry (not sorry)  
> hope you are just as satisfied as i am with this fic :)  
> come scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lovele_ah) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/leahahaha)


	2. lyrics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heaven by Gaho

You're on your way to heaven  
In my mind rain, rain  
When regret is coming  
When that happens  
Why is it now?  
Why do I want the answer to this question?  
Hold me

Don't you dare  
Be sad  
I beg of you  
To be happy  
Now

If we stay together like this  
Will we change as we look every day  
This way, I will bloom again.  
There's nothing to fall off then.

Be sad  
To be happy

Don’t you dare  
Be sad  
I beg of you  
To be happy  
Now

-


End file.
